I knew, going into this semester, this year would be the hardest of the three that I’ll be doing at this school. I’m in the second year in my gymnasium and boy, this will be a year of willpower.
This is a whole other type of stress. This is a stress I’ve never dealt with before. Not that it’s actually worse than any other stress but it’s totally different. My situation with the teachers and friends is great, I have the best mentor and I feel really happy. However, I have this feeling of needing to escape. At first, I thought it had to do with the fact that I’m sick of school cuz’ oh, can I tell you, I am! I have this feeling deep inside that I need to quit, jump off the school bus, and just say goodbye to any further studies.
I’ve felt this… resignation before but as I travel further into the school year as well as into my own mind I’ve come to realize that this is not my being sick of school. This is a whole other level of my mind telling me that it’s too much. Too much information, too high speed and most of all, too much pressure.
I’m good in school, I’m a quick learner and I know what the teachers want from me (most of the time). I don’t have to repeat something to learn it… I don’t have to study hard with homework to get a high grade.
I do put enormous amounts of pressure on myself and I push myself further and further for every semester. If I made last year, I can give it a little more this year…
I myself don’t find it unreasonable… I think I’m capable of managing a high speed, top-grade life. I don’t find myself cruel to myself, frankly, I’m kinder today than I was before my burnout. I should take that burnout as a hint that I’m not living the ideal lifestyle.
STOP! Pause for a second. Let’s talk about ”ideal lifestyle”.
What the cake is the ideal lifestyle!? In a way, I am totally living the ideal lifestyle. Studying hard and pushing myself to max with cute stickers in my calendar that says ” you can do it!”. What does that sticker represent? Is it peppy? Or is it a compulsive need to always do right. Does it actually represent girls and boys like me, crying on the toilet at lunch and telling themselves… you can do it.
Don’t fail me now, you can do it. Shut up, you can do it. You’re strong, you can do it. Don’t you dear fail, you have to do this.
I know I’m cruel… I’ve given myself an allowance to be cruel. I’ve followed this sentence with probably ten other sentences that I’ve deleted because they all end in cursings. It’s so interesting, almost scary, how you can divide your brain. I can hear – or feel I guess, this part of me saying ”this is too much – abort mission!” and still try and play it off by fooling myself that things are hard sometimes, you’ve just got to fight.
I can picture myself in a storm, trying to climb up a steep hill. If you lay down – if you give up, you’re still in that storm, halfway up that hill and what good are you there? You fight that lactic acid and climb.
I’ve almost had a heroic picture of my effort in school. I’ve been through hell. I’ve been put through so much, that I’m still processing in order to put it out here for you guys, and the fact that I am still going, I don’t know if I’ve been proud or impressed.
I am Scared.
I realize this is an acknowledging I need to do in a few of these posts… I feel I really do need to do them.
I am scared, scared of what will happen if I stop running? What will I find? Who will I be? I identify so truly with my struggles. I’ve always struggled and I’ve always fought. I’m known to my loved ones as strong. So what will happen if I don’t fight, don’t run, don’t struggle – won’t I be strong?
Or is the strongest thing to do, accepting weakness?
I haven’t really allowed myself to be human honestly.
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